in the midst of all

Its almost 2 weeks I haven’t had a complete sleep I just cant explain whats bothering me lots of things that is pissing me off…. The situation…. This must be depression…. Maybe nobody around me noticed it… but I’m pretty fucked up already… messed up inside… freaked out… burned… that’s how I can describe myself…. I’m like walking dead..... like a machine… goes to work.. then stops at the end of the day then back again…. I never pictured myself being like this…. I got nothing for myself…. Nothing really… everybody pushes me down…. Its like being a stray dog… I don’t know how it happened but I reached this point… no idea…. I might excel in my field right now… but I’m not myself… not in focus… pieces of me scattered all over… I want this to end… the only thing that keeps me asleep is alcohol….. that’s why every night I go to a convenience store to purchase a bottle or two…. I still have a bottle of wine here….at this point of my life I should be enjoying every second of it… the only thing that’s happening to me is just full of shit…. Lots of angst….. desperate I should say… that me… I just want to get out….get the hell out…..in any way… I just can’t see myself growing…nothings for me… life is bitchy….sacrifices, death, damnation….all in me… shattered….just like a plane that explodes in thin air… without knowing the cause… that’s me.. I got nothing to do…. no one to go to… cause I know no one can help…its an odd feeling…. Its like being on high and nothing is left… but the bad thing is I’m in deep….it’s like being haunted by a thousand soul….making you pay for something you cant comprehend….my life is twisted…so and so….. I just want to go…be a soul…