Bahala na blues(isangmakabagbagdamdaminnaentry)

It’s almost three months since I left almost everything back in the Philippines...at first I never thought that it’ll be like a vacation for me… but things change and my folks wont let me go back anymore…in every passing week that has been the debate in the house… it’s either I’ll go back or not…but there are things that wont make me go back anymore… first of all I spent most of my saving already for this trip….it’s like I only got 3g’s in my account back there….seems like there’s nothing for me be back there… we’ll I still got a 30 year old house and a 70’s burned out car in there and definitely friends… that makes life so easy… this entry sounds pretty dramatic… I don’t care at all… things like these keeps on bothering me day and night cause there’s nothing to do in here… now I’m like caught up in the middle… at this point it seems like there’s no turning back I got nothing left… people know me for being that kind of person who got all things figured out and can make everything work out… this year started quite well I have been able to pull some strings and be able to get one of my friends work in our company which made it more exciting just to think that there are only 3 of us working in there before we hired some extra hands… that was the most enjoyable six months in my working career cause there is no stress and I don’t have to carry all the work loads and it fun to work with your college friend….and in the span of six months I’ve been in and out of the country a couple of times and been able to visit 3 countries which I really fucking loved…everything went by so fast… six months is nothing… I never felt it coming…and suddenly everything slowed down after visiting texas where I spent most of my money… and now I’m stuck in these four walls doing nothing earning nothing and I got nothing….it’s been a year since I started living alone… that was a great challege… cause I have to manage paying all my bills alone….electricity, water, phone bill and my cellphone…. Good for me I live next to a mall….. but the budget part was hard at firs earning less than 15k a month sucks real hard…I just cant spend all my money on clothes or on beer sessions…and the thought of living alone sucks… I was caught off guard though at the age of 21 everyone should be able to move out of their parents house… but in my case I was left alone in my house…that started the “first time moments” first time celebrating my birthday without my family by my side…. First xmas as the sole representative of our family in the reunion…(this year there would be no more representative)… first new year alone….first sem for my MS,… and many others… but everything was fun!!! I can drink everyday…. People came in the house smoking…. I just hope all of those cigarette butts were already gone….that year was the most challenging and most fuckingly fun year for me… most of the time I drag my old car in different spots… got to practice drink and drive… crash into some PUV’s…and that x’mas break was the best… we’ve been able to pull an everyday inuman sessions in my house from x’mas till new year…with all those sessions gladly I have been able to pull some 1.75 as my lowest grade in MS… that was quite an achievement… I wonder if I ever tried to study at all what could be my grade… that’s me… that kid who never studies that why my folks are never satisfied with what I achieve… for them it’s like “you could have done better”… I never intend to please anybody but me… I always have this perception in life… I’ll live this fucking live how I want it to be… but these few months stay here in cali it seems like I’m getting some kind of karma… it’s like am just a useless actor being directed by my folks what to do with this life… if they asked me to decide a long time ago… I should have never came here… the idea of having that interview in the embassy wasn’t mine at all…it came from them and the office…I could have pursued my MS studies and next year I’ll graduate… and now I got no choice…. It’s the “bahala na si batman” motto going in my mind… I don’t care anymore… I got no more job when I get back… if I have to I’ll try working like those tnt’s while waiting for my papers…but I wont be a wet back… no I wont!... pride is still in tact…. I’ve sacrificed too many things already…. Some people whom I still talk to are a bit confused… cause back in the phil… I just cant wait to leave that place and reside here….maybe it’s just the timing… I only got 1 week to prepare all things and I am attending my work while doing some of my preparations… sadly I am not successful I still got tons of clothes back there… my books… my equipment…haven’t been able to clean up the house.. hope that nobody is abusing my house right now… well I trust my peeps in there…am just lucky that I got some trust worthy aunties back there… there’s nothing to be stolen in that house.. just a couple of fridge and a couple of tv’s and some of my stuffs… got to get those things out of my mind…. These past few months were the most stressful months in my lifetime… I got tons of thing going in my mind but I cant do anything with it…it worst than my these… worst than school… cause back then I enjoy it… but now I just cant enjoy every second of this life… well I’ll just try my best to pull the strings my way….naks my way mala frank Sinatra! Syet!